Yesterday my Grandpa died. Today his niece died, leaving her ten year old son.
This is now five funerals i’ll have been to this year.I don’t even know what to say… I am at such a loss.
I just can’t even find the words anymore.
My heart and my chest and my back and neck are infected with emotions and anxieties and fears.
It’s like its clogging the blood flow to my brain. Like I’m literally being robbed of my own thoughts.
Or perhaps they’re all up there spinning too fast to catch any of them.
All I can catch is the impulses I have to clean more. Organize more.
Put things in nondescript piles.
But I am exhausted. I want to crumple everything up and throw it away.
I feel like my own skin is making me claustrophobic.
And I can’t pin point the exact thing but every time i find myself in a car… In a room… I just want to escape own body.
Normally i want someone with me all the time but being beside people i love even, makes me itch. Every time I kiss Jackson, I feel like I need it to be different. More.
Sometimes I wonder if he can feel my discomfort. Maybe he thinks it’s his own. Maybe hes uncomfortable too.
I’m tired of getting mail.
Everything is on my back. My bed, sheets and filing cabinet, useless books and perfume and the wood floors and the porch and the dandelions. The dog, my family, all of my meals and my purse, all my clothes, all the old mail,the bills, my money. And i’m just crumpling under it. My teeth are decaying and I’m drying up. Crumpling.
I can’t turn my head around like I used to, and my back is tied up in knots and shooting pains. My joints ache. My belly whines and I cramp.
I never feel clean. Even When I shower, I come out believing there is more I need to wash off.
And I just try to come up with a goal for the day. But even if its accomplished I feel like a failure. So some days I try to make the goal be rejuvenation, but I feel like a messy pile of garbage.
Nowhere feels like home anymore. I’m just stuck in my head. Surrounded by decay…I find myself inching deeper into myself. And everything is foggy now.
I don’t know what to say, what to do. Nobody believes in me because I don’t believe in me.
I’m becoming this crusting shell of a human, but no one seems to notice.
I’m tryin to get drunk so i won’t be so fucking afraid of failure.
Gonna just do endless situps when i’m drunk enough that i can’t feel fear.
EDIT:
Nope. just turned into masturbation.lulz.
Anonymous asked: You have a scanner. Excuses excuses!
doesnt work t_t
Anonymous asked: You know, its almost criminal that you don't post much of your art on here.
I don’t have a cammmmerraaaa. D:
Weird dreams.
And I’m really developing a taste for stealing things from stores…
I’ve been surfing the web ALOT since i got my computer cord back; It has resulted in:
porn.
fb statusing
moar porn.
and fb again
anddd tumblr here and there.
OMGNONSTOPSURFINGIMAGESONTUMBLR
and fb again
porn
porn
porn on tumblr
googling random bullshit- names, events, etc.
mmmmoooarrr porn
So now i miss having ridiculous colored hair. It was so freeing.
FUCKKKK being an adult. fuck it all. Why can’t i work at target and have pink hair? :c
EVERYONE WOULD BE HAPPIER.
in other news. I have so far, successfully quit smoking weed.
drinking…not so much. But i recognize that i should never drink and go home alone.
I particularly miss blue hair. D:
Need health insurance. Need to sell my hunka metal. Need to call beaumont to start paying off medical bills. Need to file taxes.
..I’m gonna go try on my clothes for the 90’s party and smoke my moms cigarettes.
